she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize