He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
