i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
