Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
