Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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