yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
