Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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