Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
