community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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