My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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