Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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