i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
