pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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