Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize