I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
