just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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