Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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