I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he puts the penis in happiness.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
