I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
