I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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