i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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