i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
