I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
