I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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