You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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