two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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