i wish my penis had a tongue
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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