i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
