Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
How external is "for external use only"?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize