i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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