when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
