I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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