MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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