I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What did we do last night that was yellow?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
