I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
