Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
