i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
