meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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