does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
