I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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