I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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