and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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