So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
