How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
