Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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