is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
