and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
