Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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