We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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