Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
