I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i will never coherently bang her
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
