Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
