I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
