so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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