I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize