he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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