I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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