Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
