I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
