I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
