My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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