I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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