the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
