I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
