a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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