I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
